Tuesday, December 29, 2009


There are a lot of weird dreams I have had this year, a few nights ago I dreamt I lost my sister, I was siting going though a bin of clothes of hers crying saying she always wore clothes to small for her, the lost was so pronounced that I jerked away and had to check to see if she was okay, I can't lose someone else I just lost my dad, I can't lose her or anybody else in my family now, I don't know if my heart and mind can take another hit for a long long time. Then last night I had a dream were in a mall in Iowa City I left to get mom something to eat from our store? but the closed the place in the dream I remembered a dream were me and Kim went to a bar and had a steak and a beer, then I was walking with my cousin in the closed place the closed mall telling him I bought the mall for mom so we could make a go, then I said I had to go then I met this kind outside it was in Iowa City across from the Pentacrest, but he was a small kid I picked him up and asked him if he wanted an arcade in the mall, I asked him why he was so sad and he said nobody wanted him, I asked him if it was because he was autistic I told him I would adopt him, that I cared and wanted him, then he said he was with his mom then I was in front of all these old machines where you put quarters in you now all those old Flinstone ones with the car and Fred in it and we are putting quarters and nickels and getting silly little prizes then we get a t shirt it says something but I don't know then the next thing I know the child his gone this pretty child who I could tell I loved, is gone and I am going though a container in the house it has a lot of football bears blankets and t shirts, and then I wake up.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Almost Christmas

I don't really care but I try to keep things normal for my siblings... which is me usally stressed about what to by them, I have all but Mickey done now, he is always the hardest to buy for I was going to buy him some boots but they were discontinued so now I have to thing of something else before Friday. It is a hard month for my family dad would have been 51 on Dec 4Th, my mom's mom died 30 years ago on the 6Th, my dad's parents died 35 years ago on the 24Th, Mitchell would have been 19 on the 19Th, I wish December would have just stayed away. I think December is the worse month of the year, lets see Jan my cousin Aaron his birthday is the 3rd that is it. February my maternal grandfather passed away on the 13Th in 1999, March my brother Marshall's birthday is the 15th my mom's on the 23rd and my brother Matt's on the 31st, April my parents anniversary on the 25th, May nothing June nothing ( I like those months) July my brother Mason's birtday on the 29th, Aug my dad passed away on the 15th 2009, September my birthday on the 14th my sister Kim's birthday on the 8th my brother Mickey's birthday on the 12th and Martin's (my brother) his brithday would be the 17th, October Marcus's (my brother) birthday would be on the 24th, Nov my aunt Pam's birthday on the 2nd my cousin Darby's on the 12th and my uncle Mark's birthday on the 22nd, and Dec well I gave that list above, so you see if may didn't have memorial day it would be a nice month, but June is my favorite, nothing to worry about nothing bad happened, and it is still not too hot outside!

Saturday, December 19, 2009

December 19th

Today my brother Mitchell would be 19, I can't believe it was nineteen years ago at midnight. Mom doesn't think I think about or care or care about my dad she is wrong but I hide so many of my thoughts and feelings away until they burst but I cry all the time when I am alone, people don't need to see my pain, mom doesn't need to see my pain. I remember Aaron babysitting, I remember staying up and watching Cinderella or some Disney movie, knowing that mom and dad when to have another baby then I remember mom coming home crying. I can't blame my parents for not liking the holidays, anyways later.

Monday, December 14, 2009


Christmas is coming up quickly and I can't believe it and the hole in our family is more pronounced I actually had to stop myself from crying, I was thinking about what to buy everybody and I realized that I really want nothing to do with this Holiday this year, it hurts to much, you know my favorite Christmas gift ever, the one I remember more then anything was the kitchen set that my dad made me, I don't know how old I was but we had it for years and I thought it was the best thing in the world, better then the one on TV that I asked for it was huge it have a counter a sink a stove a microwave a fridge I wish I still had it, it was the best gift ever in my memory the one I remember the most out of all the gifts I have ever got in my life, I can't even tell you what I got last year, I insist on buying gifts this year to me it is one thing normal for me to spend money on my siblings and get them something they want it just gives me one thing that is normal, in this one huge messed up world.

weirdest dream ever

Okay so I was out at the cold I was stuck in the snow by a car there was another person but I faked dead or something and they took his body away then I asked someone for help he was a solider. Then I was in a building sitting by the door but then a guy came by his foot was wrapped very tight he couldn't move well I told him to sit down and put him on my lap then he was a young boy i told him if he ripped it just right a little bit it would loosen it enough to move well and heal the injury then he got up and said thanks dad and then walked out then another man said that I didn't belong there it was like a military place and then I stood up and said I will tell you exactly why I belong here then I started walking to him and then I woke up. I tell you it was the weirdest dream ever!

Saturday, December 5, 2009

December 4th

December 4th... Yesterday my dad would have been 51, there was so many things I would have bought him or wanted to buy him, actually since I would have saved up a lot more money thing I have I would have given him either the special editon beatles set for his birthday or christmas and the record to cd recorder for the other, mom would have gotten a mother's ring, I would have actually most likely have given him the record to cd recorder for his birthday because then he could have the song Ain't No UFO Going to Catch My Disel on a cd since was going to drive a semi, instead it was flowers on his grave, and christmas is coming up I know dad never liked christmas he put on his show for us kids, this year he is with his parents and my brothers but it doesn't stop me from wishing I could go back to Aug 15th and do something so he was here today.... anyways later

Thursday, December 3, 2009

New Moon Movie

I give it a D. Why well they kept the key points of the book it could have been better, I like the wolves, but really Bella just forgives a man who said he didn't want her and went off WTF! Seriously run off and forgive the piece of crap when she had Jacob all nice and warm for her not cold and dead! If he wanted to be with Bella just stay with her and turn her end of story, ugh, seriously I think my issue is more with Bella and her weakness then it is with the sparkling vampires, Bella annoys me to no end!